Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
