what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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