Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
