Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
