my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Your cock deserves a montage
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
