Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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