i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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