I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize