How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
