you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just high enough for therapy.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
