My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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