oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
