No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
