we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
