saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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