Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
