I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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