So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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