glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
