Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
