Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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