wrigley field is MILF paradise
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
