When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
