I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
he laminated a picture of his dick.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
