5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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