I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize