i jhust puked up my retainher.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
