oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
