I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
