Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Life is so much better after having sex.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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