after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
