We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
