peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
