i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
