two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
