So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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