sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
