watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize