Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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