Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
