saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We talked him into tasing himself.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize