Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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