My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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