Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
