You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
