Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
