You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
