is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize