What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
