I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize