So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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