Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
