I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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