so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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