your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
