It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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