I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
