I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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