Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize