4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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