I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
